either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
