I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
