His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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