Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
