I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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