I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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