My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
