we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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