THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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