Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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