Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
