I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
