I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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