I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
