Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
