I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm like, not good at living.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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