i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
