I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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