It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
