fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
