So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
