just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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