life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
