if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
