My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
