I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
