every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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