Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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