Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
