he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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