ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
