Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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