My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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