We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
