i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
