So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
