if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
