i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
