I wish I could teleport
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
