Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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