I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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