Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
