Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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