I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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