Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
