Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
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He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize