I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
