I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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