If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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