Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
