you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
