You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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