The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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