Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
