I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
